Few months ago I found some essays I wrote in 5th/6th year in school! I used always be afraid of people reading what I wrote, for embarrassment more than anything else! I often feel same with this blog, keeping it a secret from many of my friends. But here is one of my essays, one that got read aloud in class and one I achieved 87% for, quite a high mark for someone who struggled with honours english!
I wrote this age 17 at a time I enjoyed writing.
Travelling through the Dark
Dark, sitting quietly-thats all I do. What else can I do. My mind is locked with heavy chains-I am stuck in a hole. I have no control of the link between my physical self and mental self-I am motionless. But I understand.Mad, they think I am mad. I am not. Just alone in a hollow body. No feelings. Numb. Why would there be? But thought. Yes, plenty of thought. I am not mad, just alone. I am here, but wish to be elsewhere-with him.
I understand it all. I am always aware. They think i don’t know. But I do. They think I am insane, but I am not. They think I am not able to think. But I am. Slow down. I must slow down and explain. By them, I mean them. The doctors and the nurses. Yes, I am “locked up”. Yes I may appear mentally and emotionally unfit to live alone-yet alone I live. I live alone in this head. I suffer, he doesn’t. He’s free, I am not. Free to strike again. Free to do to another woman what he did to me-free once again, to strike in the dark-to steal two lives. Physical life through murder. Mental life trough rape. I wish he killed me too. I still suffer. But Ben suffers no more. He tried to help. But that single bullet was too powerful, too late. He died. And somehow, I died with him.
Fear, yes at night. This all happened in the dark. I am safe in here but I long to be out. The dark haunts me, yet the dark invites me. I can’t ignore its calling. The dark is the only place I can find Ben. Dark, sitting quietly.
Lights, quick, plough towards me. I still sit quietly. Beems of light, brighter now flash faster. I begin to tremble. Blurred, a deep muffled voice speaks, “Five mills of tranquliser, she must sleep”. Sleep-what is sleep? I do no sleep. Pinch. Sharp pinch in centre of right arm. Deep penetration and a sensation of warmliquid fills my veins. Pleasure, white lights again, but no fear this time. Mind wandering in bliss, but suddenly. Thud. My body is pounded by a thousand rocks at once. I am back, back to reality. Voices speak again, more distant. “Up the dossage, its no harm, poor soul”. Yes, mind engulfed in tender smoke of burning cells. I feel lighter, happier. I am there.
I am there. I am in the dark. This is what I yearn to do. To travel through the dark. No, I am not crazy. I know it is not real. But I know it is my only time. My only time with Ben. It’s familar, yet always different. A new experience every time. I am fearful, yet overjoyed. My body is now one with my mind. I move and function as I did, before. I am in sheer bliss.
So dark. Cold is now munching at my half naked body. Soon I shall have him. So soon. I run, overcome with anticiation. I run so fast, bare footed on the shadowy, crispy musky green grass. I am knocked, knocked with incredible force. I raise my head and all I see is puffs of hot breath against the naked starlit sky. I close my eyes and stare into semi blindness.
“I am being watched”. Of course, it is Ben. He has found me. Twirling before me, I reach out.But he is firther this time and I am so much weaker. Anxiety kicks in. I have come so far. i push harder. I fall. I fall with him.Together we land. Silence all around, beautiful silence. Word mean nothing. Nothing needs to be said. No need for words, neither of us need them. We know it will be short. Our time in the dark will be short.
He embraces and holds meas he always did. His soft hands caress my bare shoulders. He is my brighness. He quenches my pain. He is the one for me. I watch him. I watch his beautiful eyes., black as the dark we are enveloped in close gently and his deep blood red lips curve sweetly, to a perfect smile. He suffers and he longs to travel with me. To me, for me. Through the dark.
No! Stop! Not yet! Hold on! It is too soon! Air.. blue cold.. red light.. white mist.. green bushes.. yellow pain. Afraid. I run, but where? It is dark. Fear and pain overcome my body, like millions of bugs feeding on my flesh. He is gone. I am afraid. He is stolen from me, just like that night seven years ago to this day in the dark forrest. Gone.
Wet, hot, stickty-I awake in a puddle of my own sweat. I hear a voice, sweeter this time. ” Awe poor love, she has never been right since that night. She never sleeps. Always has terrible night terrrors. God knows what goes on in the dark of her mind-nothing probably!”. But they are wrong.I exist in the dark. I am pain free in the dark. I long to travel through the dark but only can in my sleep. As asleep I am safe. I know I am safe. But sleep will not come.
Please rememeber this was written age 17! Hope you enjoyed!